Brockett Blog

My extended nuclear family (12 in all) spent six days in the greater Orlando area to close out 2008 and ring in 2009. Besides revealing how much time it would take to catch up on my normal week’s worth of Internet reading and podcast listening (even on a holiday week, way too long), other truths emerged in odd places. Here are just a few.

1) We are all connected, and those joints usually involve suitcases – The weather wasn’t bad on Dec. 27 in Chicago, as a burst of 50 degree air melted all the ice and snow that covered Illinois’ roadways the day before. But delayed flights impeded on our travels, to the tune of a 2-plus hour line just to check our bags (an early arrival and printing our boarding passes the day before did just about nothing). We only made our plane because it was delayed one hour in the search for a pilot. Even then, I found myself running down the automatic walkways with my belt in one hand and my drooping jeans held up by the other just to make the plane with seconds to spare. The airlines (Southwest, in this case) show that things planned the day before, in far off locales, can impact your daily plans. The world felt a little smaller, particularly when crammed into a line that extended outside into the parking garage.

2) Penn State doesn’t fly in extravagance – On the return flight, our connection between Columbus and Chicago was delayed because our plane was delayed in Pennsylvania. It happened to be the one the Penn State Nittany Lions flew home from after a poor performance in the Rose Bowl against USC. It didn’t meet any definition of extra frills, except the air fresheners that potentially masked any lingering old man Joe Pa stink.

3) There is one universal language, and its vocabulary includes “Fastpass”: Anyone who visits Disney World knows how the parks attract visitors from every corner of the tourist world (especially these days, when local economies might be in better standing than the one they are visiting). A trip through the line of Space Mountain can sound like a meeting of the United Nations General Assembly. No matter your sexy accent, though, by the end of your trip you will know the word “Fastpass.” The parks use this advanced ticketing system to clear out their lines and provide anal retentive planners a proper outlet for their social shortcomings. Trips to the park take on military precision in their preparations, requiring a knowledge of when the Fastpass will allow access to the shorter line (say, between 1:15 and 2:30 p.m.) and when the next magic ticket can be procured (one hour after receiving the last Fastpass). Do it right, and you’re breezing through the day with the remnant breeze from the Aerosmith Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster in your hair. Screw up, and the Jungle Cruise line takes an hour just to get a personality challenged host for your animatronic animal viewing. This understanding crosses all cultures.

4) Playmobil and their weird, weird toys: I grew up in an interesting age for toys. Before my parents allowed me to try and collect all 174 different He-Man figures, I used various barnyard animal figures to play out the cartoon stories I just watched. These horses and such were joined by Playmobil sets, featuring little people with movable limbs and a variety of cars and setpieces. I had completely forgotten about those toys until I stumbled across a few boxes in an Epcot Center Germany gift shop. I laughed at the memories (and the outrageous eyelashes painted onto each female figure) before my cousin Jorie pointed out the most random setpiece I’ve come across. For the kid who has it all … an incubated baby set!

5) Toys have changed, part two: The trip helped us celebrate my nephew Dylan’s birthday on Dec. 31. This smart kindergartener has always been a car kid, when he wasn’t a Thomas the Tank kid. He made the leap into Legos last year, and has delighted in putting things together for his Lego City. He then started listing “Bionicles” on his Christmas list. These scary things are put together piece by piece, and their adventures can be found on the Lego Web site, where you can play games, watch computer-generated videos and immerse yourself in the world without having to wait for a Saturday morning cartoon. Dylan loves the things, which was readily apparent when a birthday trip to Downtown Disney included a trip to the Lego Store. His eyes may never have been as big.

While the Brockett family tradition calls for everyone making the trek into rural Illinois to find a tree, somewhere along the way decorating said tree fell into my lap.

I find the most enjoyment in opening the oversize plastic containers and saying hello to the wide variety of decorations that make up our unique tree. Each year brings with it a new addition or two, making up a rich tapestry of kitsch, humor and heart that we’d like to think represents us on the best of days. Here are five examples:

Most of the remnants from the early years of our house have been removed. The last rites for the burnt orange countertops marked an especially joyous day in the fight against earth tones. But small reminders remain, including this little knit job that decorated trees before I was born.

My aunt Becky owned a sense of humor that you love as a 13-year-old kid and that just makes you scratch your head as an adult. She loved the concept of the Black Santa, because why couldn’t he be black? So she scoured stores for cards and trinkets depicting this version of St. Nick, no doubt putting up with crazed looks from clerks just for the payoff. This sporting ornament somehow manages to represent my memory of an aunt who left us way too soon.

A get-together on my mom’s side of the family brings more than 100 years of classroom experience to the table. My mom continued the tradition by teaching language arts in middle school before moving on to school administration. At a relatively small school, kids found unique ways to give their teacher a little something before the holiday break. As kids grew up, graduated and started living their lives based on the foundation of those formative days, they might have forgotten about these little ornaments. But Marcus Bowen of 1980, we find a way to remember you.

Each Christmas, I fight the urge to throw this ornament into the trash where it belongs. I think I “made” it in third or fourth grade, right before Mike Ditka was fired and we took in the Wannstedt experience. The crappily cut piece of aluminum showcases a strong sense of clashing colors and an unwillingness to leave things be that continued throughout my school art experience. But it’s a part of me, and as such, a part of the tree.

“This tree is brought to you by the good folks at Wrigley gum. This Christmas, give your tree the taste that’s gonna gonna gonna moooooooove ya!”

Editor’s note: This story originally was published May 30, 2007.

Graduates, congratulations. For a few weeks there, I didn’t think you had it in you. But, for once, that jerk Bill didn’t wreck the curve and here you are. Before stashing away your tassel, though, there’s one last rite of passage to undertake. We’ve entered graduation party season, and there are five reasons to be thankful — if not as the gifted graduate of honor, then at least as an invited celebrant.

The food — The best graduation parties require three essential food items: beef sandwiches, fried chicken and mostaccioli. This cannot be argued. Other dishes can round out the palate, with some salads and odd dishes only older women seem to eat. But the triple crown of party food works because it fits the party scene so well. You can order huge amounts from local food stores, trays can stay warm easily (even in outdoor setups) and attendees are free to graze for hours. Adventurous party hosts might feel the need to stray from these true foods — do so at your peril.

Embarrassing school photos — Senior photos, both in high school and in college, many times will catch us at our most appealing. Expensive photographers provide the right background and the fashion conscious determine what outfits show off the best attributes. But photos weren’t always taken in this manner. A good graduation party will feature the nuggets of gold dug out from the attic and displayed near high-traffic areas for all to see: grade school photos.
At this writer’s grade school, students lined up in all kinds of regrettable ’80s gear with a provided plastic comb in hand. The photographer, a musclebound snapper with a booming voice, warmed up each student with a little pop culture name calling: “Now look at me, He-Man!” And you’d be so happy you weren’t called “Mighty Mouse,” that you’d smile your one-front-tooth smile from ear to ear. Why not take one more look at the way we were?

Fringe relatives — Many families grow familiar with “all the usual suspects.” You know Aunt Geege will arrive first, and who will follow in succession. But graduation parties bridge the gap between annual affairs like Christmas and special occasions like weddings and funerals. People you haven’t seen in five years or more will be in attendance, most likely with an abundance of stories stockpiled over the years. Then, at your Fourth of July party, you can talk all about these fringe relatives’ weight gains/bratty kids/bizarre behavior. They’re the gift that keeps on giving!

Friends interacting with family — The graduate with his or her peers is not the same as the one who sits down to the dinner table with Aunt Kathy. And most of the time, it’s best to keep this distinction. But graduation parties break down these social roles and form a new situation. Your friends will see how you interact with nieces and nephews. Your family will ask how your best friend earned the nickname “Booger.” And, have no doubt, there will be uncomfortable moments. A grandparent may even ask your friends about those MyYouTubeSpace Buddy Lists they talked about on 60 Minutes. The embarrassment will wane … eventually.

Volleyball — Many sports call the backyard “home.” Basketball is one of America’s most popular sports, but that involves quite a bit physical play on what’s supposed to be a joyous occasion. Bags (or beanbags, or cornhole, or whatever) has come on strong, and deserves a spot at the party for its anyone-can-play aesthetic. But volleyball, that’s a sport for the party. You don’t have to be great to play (especially if there are more than six people to a side). You can work up a bit of a sweat, but no one will be mistaken for a sprinkler. And you’re outside, under the summer sun and working together to spike it in annoying Cousin Neal’s face. It’s what graduation parties are all about.

Editor’s note: This story originally was published April 12, 2007.

Clean up behind the ears of rock’s best dirty songs? You might as well rip the stripes off the flag. But on Kings of Leon’s third album, the band — made up of three brothers and a cousin from Tennessee — eschews some of first two album’s fuzzy uptempo jams for more contemplative tales from On the Road, U.S.A. The resulting Because of the Times showcases the band’s songwriting strengths and visits the further reaches of their southern rock/country/blues sound. Here are five of the album’s best moments:

“True Love Way” - Ten of the 13 songs feature the pronoun “she,” which should give you some indication of the band’s muse of choice. Part of the fun in Kings of Leon’s songs comes from deciphering Caleb Followill’s distinctive wail. A line like “Girl you’re wanted like a wanted man/With your smart mouth and your killer hair” sounds sufficiently MySpace-quote worthy, but it’s not what the CD-booklet lists. Swap in “hand” for “hair,” and there’s a different meaning entirely, bracketed among catchy “Oh oh oh” background vocals that need no Rosetta Stone.

“Ragoo” – With a guitar line that almost sounds like a jam band noodling, it only serves as the intro to a jaunty little song about being “caught with my pants down.” Despite some of the previous album’s winking subject matter, I think this one’s just about a lie (which could be worse, when you think about it). The coda about running barefoot through the stream just sounds made for an excellent concert song.

“Knocked Up” – Fans of album construction will note that the band’s longest song leads off the set. In this case, it works for two reasons: 1) The song doesn’t feel like seven minutes and 2) the mix of small-moment tones and train track rhythms gives a good indication of what Times is all about. The guitar breakdowns that pepper the song sound particularly surprising in this arrangement.

“Fans” – Just about any band referenced in Almost Famous probably wrote a song like this, contemplating the relationship between band and fans. The Kings do particularly well across the pond, and so the lyrical shout-out to England seems particularly grateful. Besides soundtrack consultants and commercial production outfits, the Brits seem to dig the band’s slice of Americana even more than the Kings’ fellow citizens.

“Arizona” - A band that gives voice to all of love’s masochists out there closes the album with a late-night remembrance of the fool’s path to the wrong woman’s heart. Caleb Followill’s voice breaks in all the right places, and the album ends with another great line: “She must be plum crazy/I kind of think I like her/Kind of think I do.”

Editor’s note: This story originally was published March 15, 2007.

It would take a great time of year to get me through yawning every morning, adjusting to an early Daylight Savings Time. The biological clock is flashing 12:00 at this point, but still, I can’t wait to wake up each day. Because winter’s almost dead, dang it, and these sweaters deserve the furthest corner of the closet. Here are five reasons to treasure this particular time of year.

The last, disgusting piles of snow — By now it’s a gray, salty, rapidly diminishing reminder of days below freezing. You have to admire these densely packed ice mounds, surviving in the face of such odds. But it’s ugly for a reason: because by now, no one wants snow. There’s a reason they don’t play the song “Let It Snow” after Christmas Day, even without its holiday references. We’re sick of the white stuff.

The guy who wears shorts the first semi-warm day — Ah, a classic. When temperatures reached 60 degrees the other day, there he was, sitting down in the DeKalb Wal-Mart Subway enjoying a sandwich. I wanted to go up and thank him, for continuing this grand tradition of presumptive fashion. Of course, this day pales in comparison to the first day women start dressing in summer clothes, which requires no sarcasm and should be a national holiday.
Enjoy it while you can — The first spring-like days of the year inevitably only last a scant few days before returning to normal temperatures, and Mother Nature returned to her usual self late last week. Everybody knows this, so to not seize the day when this weather arrives just would be a waste.

Vestiges of Christmas — I’d like to make fun of the people who found the snow in their yard melted but the icicle lights still hanging from the roof. But I understand – you put it off one weekend, then it’s the Super Bowl, then you hurt your back playing foosball. But other people aren’t so kind, and your neighbor is talking – to everybody. Just so you know.

Basketball — The first warm day sometimes coincides with poring over a bracket of 65 teams and trying to pick out a winner. Sometimes I wonder if people don’t want to be smart, that it isn’t cool to know things; then I remember the type of time and energy put into these silly things just to say that you knew what would happen more than anybody else. Plus, this time of year means the most exciting sports announcer in the game, Gus Johnson, will be warming up his vocal chords, ready to relate the overcoming of tremendous odds that somehow happens every March.

Editor’s note: This feature originally was published Feb. 14, 2007.

Sarah Silverman has drawn most of the attention recently for Comedy Central’s newest programs, as her show The Sarah Silverman Project funnels her abrasive brand of comedy into a sitcom-like conceit. But that has obscured a gem called The Naked Trucker and T-Bones Show (9:30 p.m. Wednesdays for three more weeks). At first glance, the show looks like an improv gag with limited legs. But leads David Koechner and Dave “Gruber” Allen have inhabited these roles on stage for eight years, and the mix of music and taped sketches draws plenty of laughs each half-hour.

Koechner might be poised for a breakout, with his first starring role later this year in the sports comedy The Comebacks. Here are five roles that helped him get to this point.

Norm MacDonald’s talentless brother on Saturday Night Live — Koechner only lasted a year with Saturday Night Live, but he helped participate in that love-it-or-hate-it version of Weekend Update headed by the sarcastic MacDonald. Koechner occasionally appeared as on of the fake news show’s desk correspondents. MacDonald would introduce him as his brother, and Koechner’s character would stutter and stumble horribly, blowing his by-bloodlines opportunity each time.
Champ Kind in Anchorman — Koechner finds himself right in his element playing a news reporter unwilling to leave the boys-will-be-boys mindset. And, of course, he gives us this memorable exchange:

Champ Kind: We need you. Hell, I need you. I’m a mess without you. I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you, I miss being near you. I miss your laugh. I miss your scent; I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together.
Brian Fantana: Take it easy, Champ. Why don’t you stop talking for a while.

Bobby Jay Bliss in Thank You For Smoking — Koechner earned acting kudos for this turn in this dark farce.

Todd Packer in The Office — He doesn’t appear all that often, but when he does, you know you’re in for a wild episode. In a way, it’s just a reprise of Champ Kind, with Michael Scott as the clueless Ron Burgundy. The writers of the show know the character’s just right in short, strong doses, as when he wore a convenient belt-holstered mistletoe for the first Christmas episode.

Gerald “T-Bones” Tibbons — One of the refreshing things about the show is the outrageous-dude-coupled-with-the-straight-guy dynamic, once a comedy staple and somewhat lacking in current programming. Plus, both actors appeared in the late, great show Freaks and Geeks, which can only help your cause in my book.

Editor’s note: This feature originally was published Feb. 7, 2007.

A number of year-in-review music articles celebrated/lamented the sheer amount of music available for our wanting ears. MySpace and music blogs in particular have allowed bands to bypass the live show-sign to a label-release a single-drop an album road, leaving listeners with a new journey and no musical Mapquest. Here are five songs, not quite obscure, but perilously close to not getting their due.

Left Foot Stepdown by Band of Bees (on iTunes, album releases in March) – It must be frustrating, picking out a nice name like The Bees. Then you find out there’s already an American band of that name, so in America you must be known as Band of Bees. Either way, they don’t take out their aggression in their music. It’s a blend of earthy influences , singalong verses and old-school horns, like a British reinterpretation of the U.S. Western film score.

I Was a Lover by TV on the Radio (on the album Return to Cookie Mountain) – Yeah, this band needs another critic’s kudos like Tom Brady needs dating advice. This band topped many a best-of list for 2006, but you’re still not likely to hear their songs on mainstream media. An adventurous television show might be wise to pick up this track for a lonely moment. The backing track sounds like a synthesizer tossing its cookies, but the falsetto vocals carry through to a listen-able peace.

Until Yesterday by JC Chasez (album releases in March) – Yes, I’m as surprised as you in touting an N’Sync alum’s work. But Justin Timberlake lent his production skills to this single, and darned if it isn’t infectious. The vocals coincide with its percussion during the chorus, so it gives the sense of coming at you all at once. And it tackles the menace known as gold-diggers , with a bit more of a crooner’s lament than Kanye’s previous complaints.

Please Visit Your National Parks by Oxford Collapse (on the album Remember the Night Parties) – This Brooklyn band on the Sub Pop label put out an endearing little fella with this song, the electric guitars jangling all over the place and the vocals somewhere between singing and a dude yelling “Hey, man!” But good luck not singing “Oh-ee-oh-ee-oh” well after your mp3 player has moved on.

Read My Mind by The Killers (on the album Sam’s Town) – The Killers fell victim to sophomore expectations on this album, as it would be hard for any work to match the popularity of their debut. But they didn’t completely lose their talents, such as on this song , which should be released as a single before they head off for album no. 3. It sounds like a link between the band’s changing sounds, with small-town laments set to the gentle whirrs of a synthesizer and uplifting guitar lines.

Editor’s note: This article appeared just before the Super Bowl, on Jan. 24, 2007. The less said about the accompanying game, the better.

Super Bowl week gives the rest of the media world a chance to harass the same guys the Bears beat reporters have been shaking down since Bourbonais. Yet, even with the thousand points of information in dissecting Da Bears’ run to an NFL championship, some guys still seem relegated to obscurity. Here’s five guys who don’t deserve such a fate.

5) Patrick Mannelly, long snapper — No one notices the long snapper unless Brad Maynard were to suddenly start trying to corral a bad snap like he was Rocky Balboa trying to catch a live bird. But that doesn’t happen with Mannelly, who has turned his specialty into a Web site (www.longsnapper.com). There you can find out how many tackles he has this year (3!) and learn how to be just like Mannelly with Snap Central’s frequently asked questions.

4) John Tait, offensive tackle — It’s easy to forget now, but remember all the teeth-nashing when Tait signed his big free agent contract? Since then, he’s done nothing to draw much attention to himself. Which means he’s doing his job on the offensive line.

3) Rashied Davis, wide receiver — In the interest of full disclosure, Davis was an emergency fantasy wide receiver for me early this year. Phew, glad I got that out of the way. The former Arena League player doesn’t have much size, but he manages to beat coverage enough to make some big plays.

2) Kyle Orton, quarterback - If nobody’s more popular than the second-string quarterback, then what’s the point of the third-string quarterback? Comic relief! Orton has dedicated himself to this job by wearing headphones awkwardly, showing up in drunken pictures on Deadspin.com and growing a mangy neck beard. When the Bears were down after the Tank Johnson shenanigans, all they had to do is say, “Look, it’s Orton, and he’s doing stuff!” And then everything was OK.

1) Adrian Peterson, running back/special teams – Who plays harder on the Bears? Whether he’s trying to bust the wedge on special teams coverage or blasting through arm tackles with the game wrapped up, Peterson makes the most of his chances. And do you remember that athletic wear commercial he was in a few years back, where he ran up the empty stadium steps? Sure, the company probably confused him with the elite college running back of the same name. But he still did the commercial! What a gamer.

Editor’s note: This article originally was published Jan. 17, 2007.

Far be it for me to expect realism in high school comedies. I enjoy them especially for their fantasy elements, and for everything to work out at the big dance. But John Tucker Must Die tests this acceptance in five different ways.

5) Get Over It — The 2006 film stars Jesse Metcalfe as the titular character with his hands in too many cookie jars. Cinco Swim’s author is 26, and though in my weaker moments I wish I’d — as Aerosmith sang — taken a big chance at the high school dance, it’s in the past. Metcalfe is nearly two years older, and still stars in high school flicks. I just hope he was a senior (the movie never says).

4) Dunk You Very Much — Then again, if I read a script and it said “John Tucker then completes a summersault slam dunk without the aid of a trampoline,” I might have accepted this role as well. The movie makes Teen Wolf and the NBC show Hang Time seem grittily realistic by comparison. An excellent prop bet would be: What’s taller, Yao Ming (7 foot, 6 inches) or the hoop used in this movie? Also, the basketball star competes on a floor that could barely hold an eighth-grade team, let alone a team vying for the state tournament.

3) Cook Corollary — Far be it for me to repeat jokes that were in the abomination known as Not Another Teen Movie. But really, any movie that tries to pass of Brittany Snow as an invisible outsider might as well just start off with a public service warning stating “If you believe a girl like this could be single for longer than a math class, you are an idiot. Thanks for buying our DVD.” The most obvious example of this might be Rachel Leigh Cook’s character in She’s All That.

2) Cool and the Gang — Teen comedies always get around this obvious hotness disconnect by giving the girl some varied interests, like art. For a 2006 movie, this now translates to “listening to obscure podcasts” and … listening to Elvis Costello. All right screenwriters, we get it. You had a crush on a girl named Alison, too. 2001′s Get Over It featured similar sentiments, and you have to wait at least 10 years to recycle references.

1) Momma Mia — Part of the enjoyment in watching predictable teen comedies comes from figuring out how everyone gets happy by the credits. But John Tucker Must Die drops the ball in this regard, as (SPOILER ALERT) the lead female character’s mom, played by Jenny McCarthy, doesn’t end up with anybody! How hard is it to introduce a nice teacher for her to meet as she goes to pick up her daughter? Don’t skimp on the saccharine when you’ve come this far, John Tucker Must Die.

Editor’s note: Because everyone just loves lists, I came up with a weird name for the same ol’ thing – Cinco Swim. I’ve used the name in multiple incarnations, and darn it, one of these times it will lead to gold! This one originally was published Jan. 11, 2007.

The recent release of Saturday Night Life: The Best of Saturday TV Funhouse on DVD more than makes up for the fact the same company will profit off a Horatio Sanz retrospective. Here’s five highlights that make the $15 purchase a bargain:

5) “Saddam and Osama” — The beauty of most of the sketches on this disc, written by SNL/Late Night with Conan O’Brien scribe Robert Smigel, is the way a cartoon can both mock in form and style. This cartoon takes the pride of a Toby Keith song and gives it to two of our nation’s rivals, who team up using mystical powers to avoid the comically over-the-top efforts of the “bad” Americans. This “shoe on the other foot” point wouldn’t stand out as much without its spot-on mocking of cartoon conventions from the 1980s. The animation looks familiar to anyone who was awake on Saturday mornings as a kid, with He-Man plots merging with G.I. Joe with-us-or-against-us patriotism … only backward.

4) “X-Presidents” — The Ambiguously Gay Duo might get all the press (they “hosted” this special as well), but give me the smack talk of Ronald Reagan any day. The story: radiation at a golf outing transforms Reagan, Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter and George H.W. Bush into superheroes. This allows for plenty of coarse mocking of our preconceived presidential notions (Carter gets scared, new recruit Bill Clinton can’t keep his mind out of the gutter). But there’s enough new stuff on the DVD’s extras (almost doubling the number of sketches on the disc) that it doesn’t get stale, which is more than Ace and Gary can say. Plus, the sketches end with ridiculous pop songs, with lines like “Let’s sit down and negotiate” and “War brings people together.”

3) Bambi 2002 — Smigel takes a special joy in mocking Disney, as the feature includes two of his most vicious attacks. An advertisement for Bambi 2002 jabs both at the concept of the “Disney vault” — when you can’t buy the movies anymore — and the ridiculous concepts of direct-to-DVD sequels to Disney’s classics. Bambi 2002 rides a skateboard, finds out Bambi’s mom is still alive and dodges hunters’ bullets all Matrix-style.

2) Conspiracy Theory Rock — If you follow SNL closely, you’ll know this sketch only aired once, and isn’t seen in repeats or in syndication. It apes School House Rock (an area The Simpsons already mined quite hilariously), but ratchets up the take to acidic levels even the Joker might wince at. It takes NBC parent company General Electric to task on a multitude of issues, so much that you aren’t laughing at the end as much as you’re mouth’s just agape.

1) Fun With Real Audio: Peanuts — Amid all the sight gags and celebrity take-downs, this cartoon shows the most heart. The piece uses actual audio of televangelists begging for money and illustrates both the beggar and a dumbfounded Jesus in the background, with shoulders shrugged and palms open upward. Before long, Jesus grows depressed by the use of his name, before finally happening upon Linus’ famous speech in the Charlie Brown Christmas special. It all celebrates Charles Schultz’ then-birthday. Although many of the featured players in these cartoons might have passed away (Hussein, Ford, Schultz), these cartoons still provoke fresh laughs.